the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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