Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Randomize
