Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
