This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Of course I have a pirate flag
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Randomize
