I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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