we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
