Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
