I hate your face
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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