Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize