You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
