Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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