I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
