I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
