I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
