Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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