Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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