i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
