having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
