Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
