oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i will never coherently bang her
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
not ubering you a puppy
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
