mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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