it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
i will never coherently bang her
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
