a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize
