also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I met the friendliest cop last night
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
