im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize