I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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