I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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