You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
