i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
