i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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