I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
