what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
