What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
