she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
