This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
