wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
