you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
i drank out of a bidet.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
