I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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