I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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