The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
