just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
