We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
