A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
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