So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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