My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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