You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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