dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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