I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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