I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
