I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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