i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
