Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
