Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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