oh god the rape fog is back!
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
