on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
