I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
