My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
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