Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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