My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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