I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
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